How much does XuShen worth ?

Dear all,

Since the blog is so quiet, I thought I should write something here , even its irrelevant to atlantiz , lol .

Borrow this place to vent my emotions. I guarantee you this post will be boring.

I've been feeling quite stressed lately. The closer I get to graduation, the more I scare. It's already stressful enough to live in this small country, but it is even worse if you have no talent to pull you off from all these fierce, cut-throat competitions.

I never thought I'm stupid, in any standard, but I do feel I'm dumb during my time studying in NUS. In here, I'll always be inferior, and sadly, not only academically. There are people that can pull off spectacular academic results, and yet their social, inter-personal and leadership skills are so good that you will wonder how they can cope with studies and life. Worse still, these kind of people are almost everywhere in Singapore.

Coming to Singapore does make me realize, and ultimately admit to myself that I'm not those kind of elites . Not in studies. Not in life and management either. However, there's no reason I should just give-up and do nothing. I encourage myself to keep learning. Learn new stuffs, new thinkings, new ways of handling things, and try to find my own niche among the competition. This, is precisely where my pressure comes from. There are just too much things i need to learn.

I try to learn investment. I started by reading books and guides online. I force myself to look at the indexes everyday, and read those annual reports from companies that doesnt even make sense to me. I read news,finance report,analysis as much as i could. I set a target , to participate and to at least win something in the coming POEMS stock challenge. I even try to obtain a bloomberg certification.

I try to take-up Computer science minor. Surprisingly, I always get better grade for computing subjects in NUS. I thought I should capitalize on that. The subjects this semester, Computer networking and Database Management turn out to be much more harder than I can possible learn. Both subjects require projects, and both projects require extensive programming knowledge. I do not know how will I fare compared to those normal computing students. To make it worse, i have to learn a few other softwares completely from scratch all by myself in order to complete the database management project: SQL system particularly DB2 or Sybase , Web Server, Apache, PHP, and HTML. Damn how do I learn so much things in one sem ?

I try to work. Finding work is not easy now, especially when I dont have any skill at all to compete with other applicants. To fund myself for the student exchange next year to europe, I have to work. Inability to find a suitable work that wont jeopardize my studies is stressful by its own right.

I try to study harder. To continue doing honours year after I come back from poland, I gotta get good grades this semester. There are just too much stuffs I dont understand and have to learn by myself. Take for example, financial Mathematics 2 - all the probability theories and applications are so complex that I have to set aside some time and go library to find extra books to learn all that myself in order to catch up with the lecture. Hmph !

I did update my resume recently. I looked at it , and thought how a HR manager will react upon reading it. I guess they will throw my resume downright to the bin. I feeling so stressful of having not accomplished anything commendable that'll help me to find a career. Exactly how much I'm worth, I really dont know. I would guess I worth very, very little at the moment. I must definitely put in more effort to improve myself.

Of cause, there's a big part of me telling me that I'm going to be an entrepreneur one day later. That's my dream and my interest. I hope that I can come out with some brilliant ideas and I can fully commit myself to execute it and eventually make it a profitable business. I've been talking to friends all these while to keep generating new ideas and accessing their feasibilities. One day, a good,workable idea will come, i believe. Till that happens, I must keep improving myself in management skills, general knowledges and having positive attitude.

ahh... too much. Gotta go learn SQL now.

regards,
xuShen aka manager aka 0.