I sincerely thank you for all your supports and caring. Its really a blessing for me and my family , to have all the supports from everyone , the doctors , the nurses , social worker , relatives , friends ...and god .. everyone , thank you .
For some years , I really seldom express my concerns and worries for my father infront of any of you. I refuse to tell , and refuse to share , all because I really dun wish to see my friends worry for me , or perhaps , because of this and always take extra care of me. Now , I think its time for me to share , for not only his Love shall be the example for us all , and all that happened to my family shall serves as lessons to any of you , if you t. hink you can learn anything from it . Most importantly , I hope by writting this down , I can remember for the rest of my life how i felt right now .
For those who haven't know , My dear father ,Mr Chew Cheng Chai , has passed away peacefully at 3.47 pm at 11/april 2008 at Tan Tock Seng Hospital in Singapore. There was no suffering of pain , or anxiety , or struggling. My mother and I were there , and my uncle and distant-relatives were there , all accompanied him for his last journey in this suffering world.
I should recount my story from the start. This should bring us back to 4 years ago. Year 2004 , the year i am taking Form 5 (SPM) examination . 2 months before the real exam , my father has been having difficulties to swallow any form of food. We brought him to TTSH(hospital) for a series of checkup , and end up we found that it was Stomach cancer. It was part stomach part oesophagus cancer. Doctor insisted on operation and cut off his entire stomach and part of his oesophagus. For a person who likes food so much , that's a serius blow to him. But for us , he took it willingly. The first morning i'm taking the SPM exam , my father was lying in TTSH waiting for his operation. Luck didn't favor him , less than 10% operational risk did take its toll on my father. The doctor has , for the first time in his career , failed to perform a complete surgery. It was scheduled and estimated that my father would be able to discharge within 2 weeks after the surgery , but due to the imperfections and mishap that doctor did , my father took 30 days lying in the hospital. The remaining oesophagus part that supposed to connect to the intestine , has been sewed incompletely and caused leakage of fluid when my father drinks or eats. It caused a 65 KG fit construction worker to shrink to 35 KG . 30 kg loss of body mass. My mother , has been visiting my father EVERY single day , from morning 9 to night 9 , feeds him , change his bedsheet , take care of his urine and passouts ,comb him , clean him. Even the nurses were touched by that love .
Hardship comes . We did expect he to be able to work after the operation. But due to the operational failure, he can't even stand up and walk for the rest of 3 months. My mum , never work for almost 10 years , has to take up the responsibility and she starts to learn to cook. She try to cook anything she know and try to sell them. Our life changed. Before that , just before we realised he got cancer , my parents had principally agree to my dream of fulfilling my dream to study medicine in Russia. No , i had to give up that dream. Instead , deep down inside me i know i have to find a way to earn money as fast as possible. I know my father won't have much time for me. And i prayed hard that he could live for 10 more years , or live long enough that i can earn my money and bring him travel to China .. as he always wanted to go. And i know how both my parents want to take aeroplane because they never did before. So i told them , "no , mum and dad , i changed my mind. My new ambition is other thing . Medicine too tough to study" .
The begining was really tough ,my mom has to wake up at morning at 4 to cook and later sell it , then after come back at 1oclock noon , she has to take care of my father . Things get better after half a year ... My mum's business starts to take shape , and my father was getting better. He took one year to restore his body weigth from 35 to 40kg. My mum and I tried to live everyday as full as possible. I took every chance i have to sit down and talk to him. Chat . Watch TV. everything. Every night's dinner we will never miss it. 3 people sitting around, chatting and watching TV while eating dinner.Deep down in my heart i know i have to treasure everyday as if it would be the last day. I never regret over anything , i never regret that i didn't do well enough for him. I did my best and since then, i know i am really mentally prepared to face anything.
2 years ago , doctor had identified that the cancel cells had spreaded to lung. Well , pre-2nd stage cancel 4 years ago turns out to be harmful cancel cell.( there are 2 types of cancel cells, one is liang xin
3 months ago , my father started to cough. From small occasional cough to serious cough. Untill the extend cannot sit up and cannot lay down to sleep . We went to the doctors again for another series of checkups. The doctor now said the cancel cells are large enough , and are blocking his airway. Then the doctor has prescribed chemotherapy for my father. This was exactly one month ago. one week taking the medicine , my father 's condition worsen. He 's having difficulties to breath until one day my mum has decided to sent him to TTSH using ambulance. that was 2 weeks ago. I rushed to the hospital , and stay by the side with him. X-rays took , doctor approached us and apologize to us that the lung cancer has spreaded even more because of the reaction with the chemoterapy medicine. I stayed in the hospital , accompanied my father 24 hours without leaving him. He was able to talk then ... i joke with him , chat with him .. and see him suffer thru out the whole night. for 8pm we reached TTSH , the doctor took 4 hours to check up for him , and because of the price of the special ward bed (SGD1800/night) , i had begged the doctor so to transfer him down to normal ward. It took another 4 hours before he was pushed down to another cheaper ward. 2am. because of some procedural mishaps , my father's transfer of ward caused much troubles to the nurses.. and believe it or not .. they pushed my father down from 11 floor to B1 for another checkup by annother doctor to fulfil the procedure critiria. Me and my dad waited for 2 hours there for one doctor to come and attend to him. 4 am, he been finally pushed back to 11 floor but to wait for another doctor to come and check up for him before he can sleep. We waited for the doctor until , 5.30 am . and he finally can sleep at 6 something . How suffering it is ? having difficulties of breath and cannot rest for the whole night ? I wait untill the next morning .. untill 10 am when my uncles called me and said my mum was admitted into NUH(hospital) because of her fever and asthma . I nearly lost myself that time as i dunno what should i do .. stay in TTSH or go NUH ... both my kin admitted into the hospital at the same day .. But god bless my mum was able to discharged few hours later coz her condition gets better .
day after day he lye in the hospital .I went to hospital as often as i could because of my exams and assignments. I have seen him from able to sit and able to talk till he cannot even open his mouth to talk. I treasure every chance i have to talk to him and everytime i left the ward , i seriously think that it will be the last time i will ever see him again. That's one day finally I talked about religions with him , about buddhism , and christianity . I told him both , and ask him to think about it. A sense of relieve comes to me because i think i finally did what i wanted to do for so many years .
More checkup results produced. That's the time when the doctor had told us that he has at most 6 months of life because his main aorta and main airway was pressed by cancel cells. And he can gone anytime since then. Doctor said they will arrange radiotherapy to decrease the size of the cancer cells that pressing against his airway and aorta to lessen his suffering , and we did the therapy. Every day i go , he become worse despite of the therapy. Cough blood , asthma ...
When the doctor tell him he has last 6 months of life and ask what else he want to do , my mum said to me , all he said was he worry about me. He told the doctor that he's very sorry for being a burden for me for all the time .. last SPM exam .. now nus exam .. and US plan . He said all he dun want is to burden me anymore ..
When the social worker chat with him whether he has anything needs to be done and anymore regrets , again he said no because he is very proud to has this son who is so success that can enter University while he's just a construction worker ... and so contented that he got a wife who loved him so much and take care of him no matter what .. He only repeats these .... proud of this son , contented with this wife .... all his concerns ... he said he make life difficult for us ....
All he said to me ... is apologize ..... sorry to me that he has to be such a burden to me and my mum ... I did all i can to tell him its not like that ... and i always make him smile when i tell him that ...
This morning , i had been studying for my quiz at noon. I received call from TTSH that my father will go soon and asked me to go immediately . I am the first one reached there and i cried so badly. He can't move his eyeballs to see me , nor raise his hand or even move his fingers to touch me . I tried my best to control myself, and i keep telling him mom is reaching and he must wait for that. I told him i will take care of myself and take care of my mum. I will study good and make sure my mum is not bullied by others . for 40 minutes i waited , and my mum finally came. She ran in , and keep calling my father's name. I lose my control and cried badly again. My mother crying , and keep calling my father's name.. asking him to show whatever sign he could to aknowledge her presence. And keep asking him why leave us so early. My father didn't responce. I guess he didn't have the energy to. I was 100% certain he can hear us and feel us then. I comfort my mother , and for the few hours since then, we sat at the bedside and for the last time in our lives , talk with my father and her husband for the very last time. I tried hard to make my mum accept it , and comfort her that this is the best for my father, for this will end his sufferings. For the dunno how many times me and my mum burst out crying , was when my father's responce . Tho no movements he was able to make , he drop tears,once because my mom keep telling him how we could take care of ourself,how he already did his responsibilities and once because of a single sentence i told him" You are the greatest dad and greatest husband in the world . We are proud of you". We did all we could to ask him to rest in peace . For almost 2 hours we sitting there and seeing him weaker by the seconds , but he'll just unwillingly to let go. We were so worried that something still troubles him. I keep telling jokes , chatting like normal with my mother and my father so that he'll see that we would take care of ourselves. I tried to make my mum laugh , and me laugh , so as to not worry him.
My mum later found out he has peed inside his pampers ,which he will definately not like it because he is such a clean person. Even when he was in hospital and no matter how breathless he is, he will insist my mum to use a uriner(container) for him and not do it in the pampers. My mum and I sort of realised it and my mum agreed to ask the nurse to come and change the pampers for my dad. (my mum didn't agree at first , altho she didn't say why.. but now i know why...)
After the pampers was changed , me and my mum sit at the bedside again. Comfort him for all we could , and we tell him that he is clean and ready to go. just 10 minutes .. my father droped tears again. and we watch him as his breath slowly subsided and 5 minutes later totally stopped. Nurse and doctor came and use the ECG to measure his heartbeat and .. ready to printout when did the heartbeat stopped. Crying , we watched as the last of his heartbeat shown on the screen of ECG . I will remember the last look on his face and his tears . I will bear this responsibilities no matter what , because this is what i promised him .
He's gone for good , forever. For the whole day , me and my mum cried , laughed , and end up crying again. I was able to stop myself , and ask my mum to be strong and stop her from crying also. I did assure her dad has gone in peace ... he didn't feel pain , didn't feel anxiety , didnt struggle and he's able to see both of his most loved ones beside him to accompany him for the last journey. For all people has to die sooner or later , this is the best way of it. And i want my mother smile and stop crying ....
All these years , i been trying to be positive. Been what i went thru , i really hate people said i am being negative at times . People just dun realise how much effort i put into myself to keep myself positive and happy , and cheer people around me up.
Maybe this is a 21st birthday gift god gave to me . To let him pass away peacefully . To end his sufferings . To end my mother's sufferings . Thank god. For every year starting from now , i shall remember my great father before my birthday .
Thanks to my uncle who has arranged everything for us , my father's body will be transported to JB tomorrow morning. I will be going back tomorrow as well ... Many things need to be setted , and i will stand by my mother's side ... for i already promised my daddy for that. So i maybe quite busy to update things with my friends ... dun worry for me .
Lastly , to Pa ;
Pa , if you still watching around me and my mother, please bless us . Please protect Ma from all illness and badluck. Protect me from all illness and bless for my success so that i can do my best for ma . Just one more time i want to let you know , I love you and you are the greatest father of the world , greatest husband of the world and greatest man i ever knew. Ma and I are really very proud of you. Rest in Peace .
爸，如果你还有再看着妈和我的话，你一定要保佑我们。你要保佑妈妈身体健健康康，平平安安，不要给人家欺负，要有福气享福。保佑我健康平安，学业事业有成，以后孝顺妈妈。然后，你要走好，不要再有牵挂，你一世人都命苦，但是你做过的好事这么多，我们三个都一定会有好报的，不要担心 ！ 最后一次我要跟你讲，我爱你，你是世界上最好的父亲，最好的丈夫，和最好，最尽责的人！我和妈妈都以你为荣 ！
Sheu Sheng ,
周栩生，
2008 年 4 月 11 日
